Don't Stop Believing

Darn Glee cast can cheer me up so much! Halloween was fun and helped me at least temporarily get out of my funk.

Glee - Don't Stop Believe
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What's the word to describe how I'm feeling?

I'm not quite sure how to describe how I'm feeling these days. Depressed isn't the word. I'm generally happy, and realize I'm lucky to have the things I have, a new house, some great friends, and a wonderful family. But I think as my 35th birthday gets closer it really hits me that not only am I not married, I haven't ever really been in a relationship. That just sucks. Right now, the prospects aren't good. I tried checking out a singles ward, but although it seems like a fantastic ward, it's a little old for me. I just don't think I want to hope to date someone that might have served in Vietnam with my dad.

So, I'm going to check a mid-singles ward in Sacramento. Supposedly it's pretty big. That's what she said (dang Office quotes going through my head). I hope so. I decided to move in part to hopefully help jump start my social life. But I've found making single friends to be quite difficult when you don't have a YSA ward to meet them in. That's also part of my funk. I in general don't have a lot of friends calling me wanting to hang out. It's led to a feeling of nobody wanting me around. It's difficult when a lot of my friends are twenty miles away for them to just call and want to hang out. That's part of the reason I moved to Fairfield, to be in more of the area where people my age might be. In Vallejo, all my friends were either in Benicia or Napa (places I couldn't afford), and back when I went to Institute, in Fairfield. So now I'm here, but too old to go to the YSA ward (well, I could go, but as I get more and more 18 year old friends, I realize how that's not really helping me to grow).

I'm kind of embarassed to put this on my blog. Especially because I have really good friends who read this. I hate that sometimes I feel like such a loser. Right now I feel like I live in exile from my family and my friends. As much as I'd love living closer to my family, I just know that if I did, I'd only hang out with my family and wouldn't meet anyone else other than friends of theirs.

I hope this doesn't come across as whining, and I hope this doesn't make anyone worried about me. Like I said, it's not really so much a depression, although I am worried about getting out of this funk before it becomes one. So, although I'm somewhat embarassed to put this up, I'm curious of what my friends think. Maybe I'm just fishing for compliments (I wouldn't mind :). As my post below mentions, I'm also somewhat worried about my job. I might very quickly delete this post, but for now, I'll do it.

So, what would you do if you found yourself in my funk? I appreciate your help. Oh, and have a Happy Halloween!

Just trying to get by

Sorry for not posting much recently. It's been a bit stressful at work. The economic conditions are so bad in California that even relatively conservite spending counties like the one I work for are having a real hard time trying to stay balanced. We just were alerted to layoffs. How they do it with our union is by seniority. I was tied for second from the bottom. If the union doesn't make concessions and the cuts go through, I'll now be tied at the bottom, which of course is pretty dang scary. The good news is that it doesn't look like the department that's paying for my position plans on giving it up anytime soon, so hopefully things will be just fine. But I think I'll be getting a couple of more gray hairs along the way. Thank goodness for hair dye!

Disneyland on my own

I got a season pass to Disneyland last Christmas time, and had gone twice, one right after Christmas, and for my birthday. I had planned on going either in April or September, let alone in the summer, but then I bought my house and had to deal with all of that. So, as I'm getting close to the end of the pass, and not sure yet if I'll renew it (I want to, of course), I decided I really wanted to go two more times, once for Halloween, and once for Christmas. So I took a couple of days off of work last week, in addition to the Columbus Day holiday I got to take, and went down to Disneyland. It was just by myself, but I'm good with that. I went by myself for Christmas, and it can be a great way to go - I could do whatever I wanted to! But I definitely want to go again soon with friends or family.

The bench where Walt Disney came up with the idea of Disneyland

Walt and Mickey surrounded by pumpkins

Haunted Mansion Holiday

Having fun at the Giants game

My nephew Nathan's birthday was on Thursday, and for his seventh birthday, my brother took him, myself, Nathan's brother Dillon, and his cousin (my sister's son) Jeffry to the Giants game. They stayed with me and we had a great time. The Giants lost 9-1 to the Dodgers (Dillon's team), but we all had a great time. It was such a great experience. I love those boys!


Having fun at my place with my NERF gun

Showing off his bat, Nathan had a blast

Those cute boys!

Nathan didn't want his picture taken (big surprise)

So he even acted like a vampire to my brother. It was funny.

Dillon with the catcher's style backpack, which was the promotion for the game. The boys were all excited to get it. Great time to go. I wanted one (but only 14 and under got one)!


My brother and I. I'm wearing my BYU tshirt, since I didn't have a Giants one. Go Cougars!!!


Absolute cuteness!!!

They're so cute! Jeffry was a Dodgers fan, but decided to be a Giants fan for the day. Notice the orange?

Another shot of the Catcher's backpack. Of course, they wanted it more as a frontpack since it looked like a catcher's shield.

Them boys were tired after the game. They were so out of it by the time they got back to my place, that they didn't get up when we got them out of the car.
So, happy birthday Nathan. I'm glad you had a good time.

Never forget.....

Never forget September 11th, 2001

Having fun with Robbie and Friends

I had a lot of fun this weekend. My friend Robbie came to visit from Utah for his father's memorial service (he died in May, so there's been some time to make this a fun visit besides the somberness of a funeral). He brought some friends of his, and some other friends came to visit that I knew when they lived here. We went to see Wicked (yep, second time in a month and a half - but it was definitely worth seeing again) and then eat at the Cheesecake Factory. We got home Saturday morning at 4 am. It was awesome to see Robbie and Caitie again and fun to meet the new people. The musical was great again. The two main parts were played by the same people, which is interesting because the woman playing Elphaba is the standby. And I think she's great! The t-shirt vendor said she's actually better than the actual regular performer.



Saturday, after the funeral, I invited myself to lunch with everyone. I wasn't the only non-family there, so I wasn't too worried, but felt bad when Robbie's uncle bought lunch for everyone. I didn't mean to mooch off of anyone, but am very greatful for lunch. It was pretty dang good. It was at Compadres, a place I got to experience before with a group of my friends. It's got a great view of the Napa River, so it makes for a nice backdrop. After getting home after lunch, I was so dead I had to take a nap, as did Robbie.

But we got up in time to have dinner at a family Robbie basically grew up with. We had an awesome dinner (that I was so full I didn't even get to finish eating) and awesome dessert. And I found out they live in my ward, so I now know another couple in my ward. It was great.

Then we went out and about to Napa. They wanted to see the grave of Lilburn Boggs, the former governor of Missouri who signed the Extermination Order that authourized Missourians to remove the Mormons any way possible, including killing us. They wanted to .... uh, pay their respects, we'll just say. We then drove to Watson Lane in American Canyon and drove somewhat fast over the railroad tracks, enough to get some air. That was out of respect for Robbie's dad, who used to do a bunch of crazy stuff there and wrecked a few cars (not by doing what we were doing, but by being a lot crazier, evidently). It was crazy. We tried to do it going back, but it didn't work as well.


And finally that night we drove around until we found the train bridge. We had a little excurision and got to see the bridge up close and personal. I can't quite say what we did, but we did get plenty of good views of the bridge. I have to give a big thanks to Robbie and his friends for helping me to be able to get the good views I got.




Here's a picture from back in the day when the bridge was actually used as a train bridge.

After getting home and going to sleep, we all went to the singles ward the next day to welcome home another friend from his mission, then they went off to continue their adventures at Dillon Beach and the Redwoods National Park, before heading back to Utah. Actually, Robbie stayed another couple of days, and after Institute Tuesday, we reenacted an old tradition and went to Dennys.

It was a lot of fun, and with some of the adventures mentioned above, I got some bruises and scratches, but it was all worth it. I kept telling anyone who noticed my big bruise that I have an abusive boyfriend.

Thanks Robbie for helping cheer me up. It's great to hang out with friends and have good times. And to reawaken me to realizing how great it is to live here, and how much there is to do within a few hours of my house.

Dealing with adversity

OK, I thought a week ago I'd be talking all about the First Vision, as I gave a talk in Sacrament meeting about what we learn from the First Vision, and because in Relief Society we talked about the Wentworth letter, which contains an account of the First Vision. And I learned a lot in those endeavors. But I think I learned even more in Sunday School. The lesson was on dealing with adversity. Who doesn't need that? (If you'd like to see the lesson, click here to see the lds.org site with the lesson).

The First Vision is great, and of course the foundation of our religion, but I really needed to hear about adversity. Frankly, it appears as though my big test in life is to be single, at least for a very long time. As any reader of my blog knows, that's been especially vexing to me recently. So this was just the lesson I needed. It also helped that last night at Institute they also talked of adversity.

One of my favorite scriptures is Doctrine and Covenants 24:8 - Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of they days. It always makes me happy knowing that even though we'll have many afflictions in life, the Lord is ALWAYS with us. I also like how this scripture cross references Helaman 5:12 - And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. Isn't that such a great promise. If we build up our foundation with the Lord, the devil's effects will have no power over us.

From Institute, I was greatful to hear the lesson last night, and how it built on that Sunday school lesson. One of the scriptures that really hit me was D&C 58:2-5.

For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

Even though another scripture got my attention last night (D&C 136:31 - My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom), this one has been with me overnight. I can see the Lord just putting his arm on my shoulder and telling me, "I know this is really difficult for you, but it will be SO worth it." I just have to endure and strengthen myself and resist temptation and it will be all worth it. It's just so hard with our limited understanding. And our finite patience. It's still hard, but these scriptures help strengthen me and help me realize there's got to be a plan for me.

Edit: First of all, in case you were wondering, the picture is of Derek Redmond, the UK athlete that pulled his hamstring in the Olympics, but pushed on, and with the help of his father, finished the race.

Second, I've learned not to judge people's trials and try to say one person's trials are greater than another. To me, it's all in the perception and in our own life experiences. I have heard many people say something like they know what I'm going through, being single, because they were 25 before they got married. I would tell those people they have an understanding of what it's like, but you really have no idea of how much greater the trail seems with each passing year to still be single. Likewise, I can't possibly judge people's trials with children - I have no basis for that context. Or many other trials I can't possibly have a frame of mind for. I can just try my best to be there for them and let them know that although I don't know what they're feeling, I still care about them. That's really what we all need, to know we're not alone.

Oh, and thank you, God, that you're the one that judges us, knowing all that we experience and all that we suffer through.

Trying to be more spiritual

So I'm going to try a new thing on my blog. I was going to create a separate spiritual blog, but my friend Amy told me to just try doing a spiritual post once a week and see how that goes. Frankly, I feel that I've been going through the motions a lot lately and not really being spiritual. I think I have spiritual moments, but I wouldn't say I'm a spiritual person right now. I think I'm a good person, but I want to work on that, as I know at certain points I was very spiritual, and it radiated out of me. I remember one time in college one of my friends just looked at me when I came to visit and asked if I was alright - that I looked like I just had a spiritual experience and that it looked like it was radiating off of me. Now I hadn't at that point, but I figured it might have been a reflection of me at the time. Of course it helped that I was interested in the guy who said that and that of course got me really excited.

Any way, I feel that for awhile I've been what the scriptures have called lukewarm. Well, in a way. I think I'm on the hotter side of lukewarm, but still not the burning example I need to be. My scripture reading has been lackadasical, and I can't even tell you when I've last been a frequent journal writer (although theses blogs count, in a sense). I'm usually good at praying at least morning and night, but I haven't really had a good heart to heart with God for awhile. Even while serving as Relief Society President for my YSA ward and Young Women President, I don't think I was as spiritual as I needed. I need to capture that again. I hope to get the opportunity at some point in the future to show the Lord I can do it (as YW President or a councilor, not as RSP). I think I was a good social YWP for my girls, but I could have done so much more to be that spiritual leader they needed.

I think the reason I haven't been as diligent is partly due to a bit of depression. Frankly, being single sucks sometimes. Not all the time, and not usually, but enough so that when it hits, it hits. Trying to be that best I could be didn't help me attract any guys in college, and so I think I did a mini-rebel. Why put all the effort in reading scriptures when it hasn't done anything for me.

I even thought about compromising my standards - perhaps going to bars and clubs to try to meet people. Not doing anything bad - I wouldn't drink or do anything to violate my covenants, but still, not being around the people I should be around. Luckily a friend who has been there, done that set me straight and told me it wasn't worth it. And I agree.

So, I am going to do things to try to right my ship. Although I am past the recommended Institute of Religion age, I am going to go there again. I need that constant nourishment of the scriptures to rejuvenate me. I also need to make myself read the scriptures and to fall in love with them again. And say more earnest prayers.

This has been a trying time in my life. Although I am excited to move and look forward to the new opportunities that await me, there's still fear and trepidation of the unknown. The lonliness as I don't know that many people in the ward or stake. The fear of wondering if I'll find a renter for the condo, if there will be any major problems with the house, am I safe there, missing my friends from the home ward and stake who are moving on with their lives. And of course Jewely's death was the worst thing of all. I realize now how much she comforted me. She was the one creature who really liked to snuggle up to me anytime. I could always count on her to be near me. To be so excited when I got home. She was the one I had to watch out for the most - keep her safe as she hid under the blankets and the worry when she was outside (after hearing some horror stories, I was always afraid that some bird of prey would swoop her away before I could save her). She was the closest thing I had to a child. And now she's gone - and I dropped her. I know not to blame myself, but still, it's hard.

So as those who have read my blog know (about the baby shower - or babies?) or my Facebook status (where I admitted to the world that I was feeling a bit depressed), I am feeling a bit down overall right now. Besides other possible methods, I hope that a return to those fundamentals will help me feel better about myself. And of course some exercise wouldn't hurt, either.

So that's my goal - at least one entry a week of a more spiritual nature. And to in turn become a more spiritual person. To trully know and trust the Lord. To know that when I hear that no opportunity will be denied me if I follow the commandments and do what is right I won't be frustrated thinking that nothing will change, but trust that God will help me in getting over my obstacles in life.

Just back from Girls Camp

I just got back from a wonderful week of camping with our church Young Women Camp. I had so much fun! I always enjoy girls camp. It's always such a great spiritual experience, and a lot of fun. I think I like it most because I'm with a ton of friends, both old and young, and can be around people anytime I want. It kind of reminds me of BYU, where I had so many LDS friends around, that I really just needed to walk out the door to go hang out with people. I just loved hanging out with the girls in the cook shack, or chatting with the nurses, or visiting the girls down in lower camp. Just so many people and so much activity. I probably couldn't really stand it for another week without some changes, but I always go away feeling like I'd like to be there all the time. And every year I just think it won't be the same without the girls who move on from Young Womens, and in a sense that's true, but it's still always fun to meet the new girls and leaders and make more friends. I've come back the past few years with many new Facebook contacts. No Pete, no Carol, no Marilyn, no Jill, Allison, Allyx, or Marie, but so many I get to know, like Carla, Garnet, Taylor, Amanda, and others, besides getting to know others so much more, like April, Linda, Sharon, and Vivian. It's just so great!

I got to drive home in a caravan with two friends, and when I got off the freeway and waved bye to them, it really hit that it was all over. And it's probably the last time I'll get to go with my friends, as I've moved to a new stake, so I teared up a bit. Plus I went home to an empty house, and there was no Jewely waiting for me (although there were two other wonderful doggies waiting for me). Going from being around over a hundred people for over a week and then down to just myself was a little much, so I had to go back to my old town to visit friends, even though I really probably needed a nap and a shower. Luckily I found some friends home and hung out for a bit.

I'll update later with some pictures. My camera ended up breaking on the trip, so I have to see if it's fixable or if I have to spend even more money on a new camera. I've learned that I can't go without a camera for long - too many memories I'd miss out on capturing. But now, back to work.