What's the word to describe how I'm feeling?

I'm not quite sure how to describe how I'm feeling these days. Depressed isn't the word. I'm generally happy, and realize I'm lucky to have the things I have, a new house, some great friends, and a wonderful family. But I think as my 35th birthday gets closer it really hits me that not only am I not married, I haven't ever really been in a relationship. That just sucks. Right now, the prospects aren't good. I tried checking out a singles ward, but although it seems like a fantastic ward, it's a little old for me. I just don't think I want to hope to date someone that might have served in Vietnam with my dad.

So, I'm going to check a mid-singles ward in Sacramento. Supposedly it's pretty big. That's what she said (dang Office quotes going through my head). I hope so. I decided to move in part to hopefully help jump start my social life. But I've found making single friends to be quite difficult when you don't have a YSA ward to meet them in. That's also part of my funk. I in general don't have a lot of friends calling me wanting to hang out. It's led to a feeling of nobody wanting me around. It's difficult when a lot of my friends are twenty miles away for them to just call and want to hang out. That's part of the reason I moved to Fairfield, to be in more of the area where people my age might be. In Vallejo, all my friends were either in Benicia or Napa (places I couldn't afford), and back when I went to Institute, in Fairfield. So now I'm here, but too old to go to the YSA ward (well, I could go, but as I get more and more 18 year old friends, I realize how that's not really helping me to grow).

I'm kind of embarassed to put this on my blog. Especially because I have really good friends who read this. I hate that sometimes I feel like such a loser. Right now I feel like I live in exile from my family and my friends. As much as I'd love living closer to my family, I just know that if I did, I'd only hang out with my family and wouldn't meet anyone else other than friends of theirs.

I hope this doesn't come across as whining, and I hope this doesn't make anyone worried about me. Like I said, it's not really so much a depression, although I am worried about getting out of this funk before it becomes one. So, although I'm somewhat embarassed to put this up, I'm curious of what my friends think. Maybe I'm just fishing for compliments (I wouldn't mind :). As my post below mentions, I'm also somewhat worried about my job. I might very quickly delete this post, but for now, I'll do it.

So, what would you do if you found yourself in my funk? I appreciate your help. Oh, and have a Happy Halloween!

What to do...

This weekend I went up to Utah for a very quick trip to see a session of conference, see my friend play the Grinch in Seussical, and my sister-in-law play a napkin in Beauty and the Beast. It was a lot of fun, and I'm going to talk about some of those later. I'm really greatful for the opportunity to spend so much time with my friend Amy. It was great to talk about life and some of the challenges we both face and are dealing with. Man, that girl can drive! She drove both ways straight through. We only stopped one time goint to Utah and three times coming home, but one of those stops only because we couldn't find any food at the second stop.

It was also great to visit the A. family (I try to keep people's last names off of this blog to protect everyone's privacty - including my own). I really care a lot about Linda, Saffron, and Allison (not technically a part of the A. family, but living there). I'm good to see they're doing well, although Allison needs to get a job. It was great seeing Linda, who will be leaving the country for a year.

The plays were awesome and I'm glad I was able to see them. I really enjoyed seeing so many friends and my brother and sister-in-law. And as usual, Robbie cracked me up. And even with all the people I got to see, there were so many more that I really wanted to get to see. I'm so sad that for the second trip to Utah in four months that I didn't get to see Ashley. And I didn't get to see the W or T families that I haven't seen for years.

And that's something I love. So many friends I already have in Utah. Now Amy is considering if she should move there, although it would just be temporary (she says). There just aren't a lot of single people in the Church out here, at least not many that are in an hour's drive.

Since I graduated from BYU, I've always had a part of me that wanted to stay in Utah. But I really like being close enough to my family that I can visit them frequently. So since I had no family in Utah, I came back to California. Now my brother lives there and is planning on living there for at least a few more years. So there's a part of me that really yearns to move back to Utah. I couldn't move for a little over a year, as I promised where I work that I'd be here for three years, and I really like my job so I wouldn't want to upset anyone here.

But I'm so tired of seeing friends leave all the time. You know, it's really not that bad being single, as long as you have enough friends to do things with and help stave off the feelings of lonliness, but I've watched so many of my single friends move off, most of them to Utah. In Utah, just hanging out occassionally with Robbie will introduce me to a ton of new people.

I'm pretty sure that I'll end up in Utah in about a year and a half, although I would still need to have a lot of things fall into place - mainly a good job to go to. I kind of need the housing market to improve, at least a bit. My condo is still worth more than I bought it for, but not enough to provide for a decent down payment. Then I have to fix up my condo, move out of it to sell it (I have way too much junk to have there while I'm trying to sell it).

And I still need to find out if that's where the Lord wants me to be. I'm just not the best at receiving personal revelation, so that's something I'm trying to work on.