So I'm going to try a new thing on my blog. I was going to create a separate spiritual blog, but my friend Amy told me to just try doing a spiritual post once a week and see how that goes. Frankly, I feel that I've been going through the motions a lot lately and not really being spiritual. I think I have spiritual moments, but I wouldn't say I'm a spiritual person right now. I think I'm a good person, but I want to work on that, as I know at certain points I was very spiritual, and it radiated out of me. I remember one time in college one of my friends just looked at me when I came to visit and asked if I was alright - that I looked like I just had a spiritual experience and that it looked like it was radiating off of me. Now I hadn't at that point, but I figured it might have been a reflection of me at the time. Of course it helped that I was interested in the guy who said that and that of course got me really excited.
Any way, I feel that for awhile I've been what the scriptures have called lukewarm. Well, in a way. I think I'm on the hotter side of lukewarm, but still not the burning example I need to be. My scripture reading has been lackadasical, and I can't even tell you when I've last been a frequent journal writer (although theses blogs count, in a sense). I'm usually good at praying at least morning and night, but I haven't really had a good heart to heart with God for awhile. Even while serving as Relief Society President for my YSA ward and Young Women President, I don't think I was as spiritual as I needed. I need to capture that again. I hope to get the opportunity at some point in the future to show the Lord I can do it (as YW President or a councilor, not as RSP). I think I was a good social YWP for my girls, but I could have done so much more to be that spiritual leader they needed.
I think the reason I haven't been as diligent is partly due to a bit of depression. Frankly, being single sucks sometimes. Not all the time, and not usually, but enough so that when it hits, it hits. Trying to be that best I could be didn't help me attract any guys in college, and so I think I did a mini-rebel. Why put all the effort in reading scriptures when it hasn't done anything for me.
I even thought about compromising my standards - perhaps going to bars and clubs to try to meet people. Not doing anything bad - I wouldn't drink or do anything to violate my covenants, but still, not being around the people I should be around. Luckily a friend who has been there, done that set me straight and told me it wasn't worth it. And I agree.
So, I am going to do things to try to right my ship. Although I am past the recommended Institute of Religion age, I am going to go there again. I need that constant nourishment of the scriptures to rejuvenate me. I also need to make myself read the scriptures and to fall in love with them again. And say more earnest prayers.
This has been a trying time in my life. Although I am excited to move and look forward to the new opportunities that await me, there's still fear and trepidation of the unknown. The lonliness as I don't know that many people in the ward or stake. The fear of wondering if I'll find a renter for the condo, if there will be any major problems with the house, am I safe there, missing my friends from the home ward and stake who are moving on with their lives. And of course Jewely's death was the worst thing of all. I realize now how much she comforted me. She was the one creature who really liked to snuggle up to me anytime. I could always count on her to be near me. To be so excited when I got home. She was the one I had to watch out for the most - keep her safe as she hid under the blankets and the worry when she was outside (after hearing some horror stories, I was always afraid that some bird of prey would swoop her away before I could save her). She was the closest thing I had to a child. And now she's gone - and I dropped her. I know not to blame myself, but still, it's hard.
So as those who have read my blog know (about the baby shower - or babies?) or my Facebook status (where I admitted to the world that I was feeling a bit depressed), I am feeling a bit down overall right now. Besides other possible methods, I hope that a return to those fundamentals will help me feel better about myself. And of course some exercise wouldn't hurt, either.
So that's my goal - at least one entry a week of a more spiritual nature. And to in turn become a more spiritual person. To trully know and trust the Lord. To know that when I hear that no opportunity will be denied me if I follow the commandments and do what is right I won't be frustrated thinking that nothing will change, but trust that God will help me in getting over my obstacles in life.
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