I listened to a couple of talks this weekend at church that really got me thinking. Not so much what was said, but it just got me to thinking. The topic was patriarchal blessings. I believe everybody that reads this is LDS, but just in case - a patriarchal blessing is a blessing we get once in our lives that is kind of personal revelation that will help guide you in your life. Some people get really detailed blessings, telling them of events in their life.
The thing is, mine wasn't quite so. I remember being in the Patriarch's office, waiting for the blessing, and sure this was going to point me exactly where I needed to go. And I felt like I really needed that direction. And here it came..... but it was pretty short, and really gave me generalizations and not too much specific. I mentioned to the patriarch that I wanted to get married and raise a family. In the blessing, it said that those were worthwhile goals and I should strive to obtain them. It never said that I would. I guess I should have known then.
I'll admit that I was disappointed. I wanted that detailed map of my life. I needed it. I wondered how hard it would be to get a new blessing, perhaps when I went to school. Surely there was something wrong with Brother Hurst. For some reason, there were two Patriarchs in our stake, and I wondered if I should go to the other one.
Someone once told me that sometimes the Lord gives shorter blessings to those who don't need much direction. I don't know if that's true in my case, but I think I've come to the realization that the Lord wants me to struggle, to not have all the answers, to be a little lost in this world and to rely on him.
I think I'm naturally a dependent person. I'll pretty much do whatever other people want to do. I'm happy doing what other people want, as long as I'm with people. I think I might depend too much on a more detailed blessing, instead of going out and conquering the world, learning for myself.
As I pondered on that during those talks, I applied that to my life as a whole. I have no idea why I have to endure what I'm enduring in life. There is absolutely nothing I'd like more than to have a family. But it hasn't come close to happening for 35 years, and I don't see it happening anytime soon. I think that'd I'd make a great wife and a wonderful mother. I'd watch football with the husband and then act out Disney movies or other fantastical stories with my children. I'd be a dotting (sp?) wife and mother.
But being single was forced me to be independent. When I graduated from BYU, I wanted to live close to my parents, but not too close. Every time I go visit my family, I want to move back there and just be around my family. But I don't think I'd grow that way. I'd probably go back and forth between my parents, my brother, and my sister, and never get out to experience life and get to know new people. Here I have to, and I have to learn to do my own thing. To accept who I am, no matter how flawed I know I am. To know when I turn off the lights at night to my empty house, that I'll be OK. Or at least I hope I will be.
I honestly don't know how long I can do this. But every time I don't think I can bear it anymore, I'm blessed with new found strength. Being alone sucks, and if it weren't for my friends, I don't know how I could ever do it. There was a time a few months back when just about all of my single friends were dating someone, and other friends were moving away. It was miserable for me, and I felt again that I was left out of what the Lord wants for all of us, and that here I was again one single woman left to myself. Not that hanging with married friends is bad, and I am grateful for my second families I've had over the years. And I really needed my second family months ago. Thank you, T.
And I'm sorry for neglecting my friends in the past. It was purely unintentional, and I didn't think they really would miss me much. I'm glad to learn I was wrong. I hope to always be there for them as they've been for me.
I am so blessed to have recently rediscovered a friend. Oh we've been friends for years now, but recently become much closer. You really need friends sometimes to remind you that you're a great person just as you are. Doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't try to improve upon yourself, but that you're also fine just as you are. You know who you are, and I want to thank you. I know you're probably tired of me saying that, but after neglecting you (and others) so long, I want to make sure you know you're oh so appreciated.
So I am blessed. And I'm continuing to learn to be more independent. I've struggled with things, particularly in the last two years. But hopefully I'm getting better, more sure of myself. I have no idea where this crazy journey called my life will end up, but I will forge through with my small blueprint, trying to do what the Lord asks of me. Trying to be the best friend I can be, trying to do better at my callings, and to be a better example to others and to live and enjoy life.
Will I ever meet that knight in shining armor? Who knows? I'd like to think yes, but I really don't know. In the meantime, I certainly have plenty to work on in improving myself, and plenty of people to spend time with and enjoy. Maybe my lot in life is to be the perennial aunt. Being the second mother to my niece, my Young Women, Primary children, and my friends children. My greatest fear, other than something happening to my family and friends, is to be alone. And of course, that's what I'm tasked with in life. But I know I'll be stronger because of it, and that I'll learn and grow.
Dang, this wasn't supposed to be a poor me post, but it kind of turned into that. Hey, life's difficult sometimes; we all have our challenges. I know that. I don't mean to gripe about my life, but want to let you know that I know that there must be some reasons for the challenges I face, as I'm sure there are reasons for the challenges you face. But there is a plan, and a hope for greater things to come in the future. But for now, I'll just try my best to enjoy the life I have.
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