A bit rusty here

Wow, it's been awhile. I'm not in the midst of a mouse hunt. I have a mouse in my house. He's been here about a month, but he's only recently really bugged me. He's killed two plants of mine (the first one was my Mother's Day flower from last year, the first plant I had that was going to live more than a year. That made me mad.

I'm also trying to get my house painted, my large tree stump removed from my front yard, and new furniture. I just need people to help. I need someone to help with the tree stump removal and helping move the furniture inside. I wouldn't mind help with the painting as well. Maybe I'll see if some friends on Facebook would be willing to help.

The only thing constant....

Dealing with change is so difficult for me. I think it's often difficult for everyone, but when you're single, it can be even more so. I've always been bad at saying goodbye - it tears me up inside. I remember many years ago when my uncle, aunt, and cousin came to visit from Washington. We had a lot of fun, but as they left, I remember just being so sad, because I didn't know when I'd see them again. And all through my life, I'm always sad when not only friends leave, but when I know situations won't ever be the same again.

Like, I could always move back to Provo, but it will never be the same as when I was there going to BYU. Not that it wouldn't be good - just that it would be far different.

Even with the Gospel perspective, I have a hard time with change. When my grandpa died, I was of course comforted to know that I'll see him again, but I was sad. It'll be my grandpa when he was younger (most likely), not my cute ol' grandpa.

Over the years, I've had many friends move away or leave for a time and season. It's always so tough for me. Friends get married, they move away, and I'm still here. It's not that tough being single when you have friends to do things with. But sometimes I feel that everyone is either leaving or moving on, and I'm left alone. Last summer I felt that way, as friends moved away and every single person I call a close friend got into a relationship, even some that never had before. I went into a depression, feeling so much like I was alone. If I had gotten my head out of my #@% I would have realized that even though my friends were busy, they still had time for me. In fact, some were almost begging to let them help me in my move, but I didn't let them. I kept thinking they were busy. Anyway, this is a side note.

And now another summer is approaching. With it comes friends returning from school, but also graduation and other trips that take friends away. I miss my routine. I miss the past. I miss how things used to be.

Change is always hard, but I know it makes us all stronger. We are beings that must adapt, that need to adapt. But it's hard.

Really getting into baseball

Since I was a little girl watching Will Clark and the San Francisco Giants, I have been a fan of the Giants. However, baseball was never really my thing, so even after moving to the SF Bay Area, I hardly went to any games at the new (then called) Pac Bell Park. It actually took until a company sponsored trip for a project that we completed that I went to my first game. We took the ferry and made it to sit in the left field cheap seats. Only problem - the Giants had secured a postseason birth the day before, so we were basically watching a Triple A team play.

Still, I enjoyed it, but didn't get back to watch a game until last year when I went with my brother and his kids for my nephew's birthday. We lost to the Dodgers, but I really enjoyed myself.

This year I find myself really interested in baseball. The Giants are supposed to have a pretty good team, but I think I just find myself nostalgic for the game. Baseball games don't have the intensity of football games. They are more laid back, but with exciting moments. And I'm really craving that this year. So I've already gone to one game this year, another loss - the Giants one and only loss until last night. And I plan on going to more. I want to go to a daytime game sometime soon. I don't have a ton of money to go to games, but I do want to go to some more, and maybe even pay a bit extra to sit in a different area, in order to enjoy a different aspect of the game.

So you might see some posts about that this year. Hopefully the Giants do well, but I'll be enjoying them either way.

By the way, I know they keep losing when I go, but I REALLY don't think it's because of me. I have a feeling the Giants have absolutely no clue that I'm there. And thanks for going with me, Kelley. It was a lot of fun, even though we lost!

A simple thing can mean so much

Last Sunday I was at church (well, my second ward - I've been going to two wards for the past four weeks) and after Sunday School saw a friend out of the corner of my eye. I reached over to give her a hug and I think just said something like, "Hi! It's great to see you" and then went on with whatever it was I was doing. I don't think that I asked her how she was doing or anything, just a simple hug.

She wrote on my Facebook later that she really needed that hug more than I could ever know. Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm a hugger. I love hugs, and don't get them enough, so I'll give a hug to anyone who wants one and will try giving hugs to anyone I think is accepting of one, so it's not unusual for this to have happened, but it really makes me think of how simple gestures can have profound impacts on someone. I'm glad I was able to brighten her day, if just a little.

It's a reminder to me how important it is to do those simple things you might not think are that important, like a smile, a simple "Hello!" or a hug. Of course it would have been better if I took more time to talk with her and catch up, but at least that quick 10 to 15 second thing was able to help her in some way. I hope I can remember that and take the time to be there for others when they need something like a hug or a smile.

I am selfish

You know, I was thinking of my last post and realized I am dang selfish. I have to admit when I hear a friend has broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, one of the thoughts that crosses my mind is, "Oh good, they'll have more time to hang out with me." Of course, I feel bad for them and try to comfort them, but I do think about how this will benefit me.

I of course want my friends to be happy. I want them to get married and have families. Of course that's what I want too. But it is nice that since I'm single, I have single friends to do things with.

I need to stop worrying about what will benefit me and just try to be a better friend to my friends - to be more supportive and unconditionally love them.

Sometimes I wish it was all laid out for me

I listened to a couple of talks this weekend at church that really got me thinking. Not so much what was said, but it just got me to thinking. The topic was patriarchal blessings. I believe everybody that reads this is LDS, but just in case - a patriarchal blessing is a blessing we get once in our lives that is kind of personal revelation that will help guide you in your life. Some people get really detailed blessings, telling them of events in their life.

The thing is, mine wasn't quite so. I remember being in the Patriarch's office, waiting for the blessing, and sure this was going to point me exactly where I needed to go. And I felt like I really needed that direction. And here it came..... but it was pretty short, and really gave me generalizations and not too much specific. I mentioned to the patriarch that I wanted to get married and raise a family. In the blessing, it said that those were worthwhile goals and I should strive to obtain them. It never said that I would. I guess I should have known then.

I'll admit that I was disappointed. I wanted that detailed map of my life. I needed it. I wondered how hard it would be to get a new blessing, perhaps when I went to school. Surely there was something wrong with Brother Hurst. For some reason, there were two Patriarchs in our stake, and I wondered if I should go to the other one.

Someone once told me that sometimes the Lord gives shorter blessings to those who don't need much direction. I don't know if that's true in my case, but I think I've come to the realization that the Lord wants me to struggle, to not have all the answers, to be a little lost in this world and to rely on him.

I think I'm naturally a dependent person. I'll pretty much do whatever other people want to do. I'm happy doing what other people want, as long as I'm with people. I think I might depend too much on a more detailed blessing, instead of going out and conquering the world, learning for myself.

As I pondered on that during those talks, I applied that to my life as a whole. I have no idea why I have to endure what I'm enduring in life. There is absolutely nothing I'd like more than to have a family. But it hasn't come close to happening for 35 years, and I don't see it happening anytime soon. I think that'd I'd make a great wife and a wonderful mother. I'd watch football with the husband and then act out Disney movies or other fantastical stories with my children. I'd be a dotting (sp?) wife and mother.

But being single was forced me to be independent. When I graduated from BYU, I wanted to live close to my parents, but not too close. Every time I go visit my family, I want to move back there and just be around my family. But I don't think I'd grow that way. I'd probably go back and forth between my parents, my brother, and my sister, and never get out to experience life and get to know new people. Here I have to, and I have to learn to do my own thing. To accept who I am, no matter how flawed I know I am. To know when I turn off the lights at night to my empty house, that I'll be OK. Or at least I hope I will be.

I honestly don't know how long I can do this. But every time I don't think I can bear it anymore, I'm blessed with new found strength. Being alone sucks, and if it weren't for my friends, I don't know how I could ever do it. There was a time a few months back when just about all of my single friends were dating someone, and other friends were moving away. It was miserable for me, and I felt again that I was left out of what the Lord wants for all of us, and that here I was again one single woman left to myself. Not that hanging with married friends is bad, and I am grateful for my second families I've had over the years. And I really needed my second family months ago. Thank you, T.

And I'm sorry for neglecting my friends in the past. It was purely unintentional, and I didn't think they really would miss me much. I'm glad to learn I was wrong. I hope to always be there for them as they've been for me.

I am so blessed to have recently rediscovered a friend. Oh we've been friends for years now, but recently become much closer. You really need friends sometimes to remind you that you're a great person just as you are. Doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't try to improve upon yourself, but that you're also fine just as you are. You know who you are, and I want to thank you. I know you're probably tired of me saying that, but after neglecting you (and others) so long, I want to make sure you know you're oh so appreciated.

So I am blessed. And I'm continuing to learn to be more independent. I've struggled with things, particularly in the last two years. But hopefully I'm getting better, more sure of myself. I have no idea where this crazy journey called my life will end up, but I will forge through with my small blueprint, trying to do what the Lord asks of me. Trying to be the best friend I can be, trying to do better at my callings, and to be a better example to others and to live and enjoy life.

Will I ever meet that knight in shining armor? Who knows? I'd like to think yes, but I really don't know. In the meantime, I certainly have plenty to work on in improving myself, and plenty of people to spend time with and enjoy. Maybe my lot in life is to be the perennial aunt. Being the second mother to my niece, my Young Women, Primary children, and my friends children. My greatest fear, other than something happening to my family and friends, is to be alone. And of course, that's what I'm tasked with in life. But I know I'll be stronger because of it, and that I'll learn and grow.

Dang, this wasn't supposed to be a poor me post, but it kind of turned into that. Hey, life's difficult sometimes; we all have our challenges. I know that. I don't mean to gripe about my life, but want to let you know that I know that there must be some reasons for the challenges I face, as I'm sure there are reasons for the challenges you face. But there is a plan, and a hope for greater things to come in the future. But for now, I'll just try my best to enjoy the life I have.

Day 1

First, let me just say, I remember when I started and thought absolutely nobody read this blog. But now I've learned my readership is at least in the high single digits! Actually, it's great to hear from people who I never knew read my blog mention something I wrote. Kind of fun! So thanks to those of you who read my little blog.

And it's great to hear from some friends who have said they're in on the challenge. Teresa, were you serious? Let's do it!!!!

So while I say this is day one, I've been trying to lose weight since the beginning of the year. I started off by not drinking sodas. Actually, that's something I started last year, but when a friend brought over a nice Dr. Pepper for me while I was moving, it was all over. First it was, "I'll just drink until I'm done with the move thing" then "Ill start again in August" which all never happened. So I started again at the beginning of the year. And I have broken it twice - once when I had a Dr. Pepper for my birthday (because I was REALLY dragging and wanted to be a bit more awake for my birthday) and once on Sunday, when I went to a birthday party and they had real draft A&W root beer. Now the excuse for the root beer is that, well, I'm a sucker for draft root beer from A&W. At least it's made with sugar and not high fructose corn syrup.

But yesterday I signed up for 24 Hour Fitness and ate less. I signed up online and even went there after work. Then after my workout, I figured I needed new clothes. Because I like to spend money. So I bought some clothes and am ready!

Yesterday I just had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a pb&j for lunch, and one cup of tortellini (which is a lot less than I normally eat) and some corn (yes, too much starch, I'll have to get more vegetables), plus a few bags of fruit snacks. I'll have to work on the fruit snacks. But at least for yesterday, I wasn't really that hungry. I'm surprised how much I was full. I think the Lord is helping me combat my hunger. I'm sure I'll need all the help I can get!

Time to lose weight....

....or as my physics teacher at BYU would say, time to lose mass. I've needed to lose weight for awhile, but I finally think I have the motivation to do it. First motivation - my sister signed up for Team in Training and completed a marathon last year. A marathon! Then my brother has gotten into cycling and is going to participate in a diabetes ride. There's a third reason, but I'm going to keep that private for now (Kelley might know).

So my plan is to lose at least 50 pounds by the time I go to Hawaii. That's about 10 pounds a month. I signed up for 24 Hour Fitness today, and I really want to sign up for Team in Training, doing a triathlon. That's probably in the future, but I do enjoy cycling and swimming, and I guess I should do running too.

I've already given up soft drinks, and now I'm going to give up fast food and prepared food. I need to get better at cooking anyway.

I know it won't be easy, but I really need to do it to work on my own self confidence, and to prevent diabetes and other diseases from getting me. And sheesh, I can't ride on Roar at Discovery Kingdom anymore. I love that ride!

Going to Hawaii!

One of my goals in life is to visit each state. Some states I'm more excited about than others. Alaska was fantastic! My little stay in Alabama was great as well - going to SpaceCamp! I want to visit them all. North Dakota... I'm sure I'll enjoy it when I'm there, but it's not exactly the top of the list. Actually, the New England states are definitely up there.

But my next big state to visit is Hawaii. I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, as most people do. A couple of years ago an elder served in our ward who is from Fiji. He's now going to BYU-Hawaii and performs at the Polynesian Cultural Center. I've really wanted to go and see the PCC while he was there. What could be cooler than seeing a friend actually performing!? So the other night we were having a very late dinner/early breakfast and I mentioned to my friend that we needed to have another party at her house in the summer. That's when one of my friends said he couldn't make it because he'd be in his native Hawaii. I remember thinking that as much as I liked going swimming in Sacramento, I really wanted to go to Hawaii. Besides my friend performing at the PCC, now I had another excuse to go to Hawaii - to visit one of my friends. My friend Kelley was so ready to accept that! So I'm going to Hawaii! I'm so excited!!!


We're going to visit this guy!


But some of you visiting this blog my remember him with a little less skin showing.

I need help from my sistas!

So, I need some help from my friends who I know read this blog (at least occasionally). Being 35 and never in a serious relationship, I think it's safe to say I'm awkward around the men. I know a lot of it has to do with self esteem issues, which have only got harder to deal with as I've gained weight and gotten older.

So, there's a new guy I'm interested in. He's seven years younger than me, but that doesn't seem to be a problem so much for a guy in his late 20s as it might be for a guy closer to just being off his mission. Besides, that's almost the exact age difference between my brother and his girlfriend. And I know a few girls he dated or was interested in before, and they've had some poundage with them. Not as big as me, but still an encouraging trend.

And I should point out that we're friends. Not great friends, but still pretty good. I don't have a lot of single guy friends (I have a lot of sort of friends, but nobody I hang out with other than at large group activities), so I don't want to jeopardize the friendship at all. So, you married people who have been successful at wooing a man, I need help. How do I let him know I'm interested without scaring him if he's not. Is that possible, or do I need to either let it be or go out on that limb?

So help me oh experienced ones. You're my only hope. (Star Wars reference)