The only thing constant....

Dealing with change is so difficult for me. I think it's often difficult for everyone, but when you're single, it can be even more so. I've always been bad at saying goodbye - it tears me up inside. I remember many years ago when my uncle, aunt, and cousin came to visit from Washington. We had a lot of fun, but as they left, I remember just being so sad, because I didn't know when I'd see them again. And all through my life, I'm always sad when not only friends leave, but when I know situations won't ever be the same again.

Like, I could always move back to Provo, but it will never be the same as when I was there going to BYU. Not that it wouldn't be good - just that it would be far different.

Even with the Gospel perspective, I have a hard time with change. When my grandpa died, I was of course comforted to know that I'll see him again, but I was sad. It'll be my grandpa when he was younger (most likely), not my cute ol' grandpa.

Over the years, I've had many friends move away or leave for a time and season. It's always so tough for me. Friends get married, they move away, and I'm still here. It's not that tough being single when you have friends to do things with. But sometimes I feel that everyone is either leaving or moving on, and I'm left alone. Last summer I felt that way, as friends moved away and every single person I call a close friend got into a relationship, even some that never had before. I went into a depression, feeling so much like I was alone. If I had gotten my head out of my #@% I would have realized that even though my friends were busy, they still had time for me. In fact, some were almost begging to let them help me in my move, but I didn't let them. I kept thinking they were busy. Anyway, this is a side note.

And now another summer is approaching. With it comes friends returning from school, but also graduation and other trips that take friends away. I miss my routine. I miss the past. I miss how things used to be.

Change is always hard, but I know it makes us all stronger. We are beings that must adapt, that need to adapt. But it's hard.

A simple thing can mean so much

Last Sunday I was at church (well, my second ward - I've been going to two wards for the past four weeks) and after Sunday School saw a friend out of the corner of my eye. I reached over to give her a hug and I think just said something like, "Hi! It's great to see you" and then went on with whatever it was I was doing. I don't think that I asked her how she was doing or anything, just a simple hug.

She wrote on my Facebook later that she really needed that hug more than I could ever know. Now, anyone who knows me knows I'm a hugger. I love hugs, and don't get them enough, so I'll give a hug to anyone who wants one and will try giving hugs to anyone I think is accepting of one, so it's not unusual for this to have happened, but it really makes me think of how simple gestures can have profound impacts on someone. I'm glad I was able to brighten her day, if just a little.

It's a reminder to me how important it is to do those simple things you might not think are that important, like a smile, a simple "Hello!" or a hug. Of course it would have been better if I took more time to talk with her and catch up, but at least that quick 10 to 15 second thing was able to help her in some way. I hope I can remember that and take the time to be there for others when they need something like a hug or a smile.

I am selfish

You know, I was thinking of my last post and realized I am dang selfish. I have to admit when I hear a friend has broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, one of the thoughts that crosses my mind is, "Oh good, they'll have more time to hang out with me." Of course, I feel bad for them and try to comfort them, but I do think about how this will benefit me.

I of course want my friends to be happy. I want them to get married and have families. Of course that's what I want too. But it is nice that since I'm single, I have single friends to do things with.

I need to stop worrying about what will benefit me and just try to be a better friend to my friends - to be more supportive and unconditionally love them.

This is Halloween

This past Saturday was Halloween, and I decided I wanted a new costume this year. It started when I was at Disneyland. I really wanted to dress up as Goofy after seeing the big Goofy hat at Disneyland. So I thought about getting the hat and the gloves, then saw the price tag on them and realized I'd be spending $50 just on that, and still would need the rest of the costume. So I said no.

But when I came home, I still wanted a costume, so after checking the local Spirit store, and not finding anything I liked, I stopped by Party City and found the costume I wanted. It wasn't built for larger people, so I had to try it on. I loved it, even though it does kind of show my love handles... er, love handlebar, or love roll? It was fun to dress up and I enjoyed seeing everyone at a Halloween eve dance where 95% of people were dressed up, and on Halloween where I went to two ward parties, had dinner with friends, and went to another dance. It was good to be queen, as I was the Evil Queen from Snow White. After feeling down last weekend, it really helped lift my spirits.

Some of my friends before the dance

Having fun dancing

Michelle, Amy, Sara, Me, and the safety handle

I don't know these people. They just wanted a picture together. I don't know if Snow White and Prince Charming even knew each other.

These girls are so cute, and thanks to Lauren for letting me use her arm to hide an embarassing salsa spill

I like this shot because it makes my head seem smaller

I have a feeling I'll have a real disagreement with her later in life. Oh stepdaughters! Actually, I don't remember who's baby this is, but she really wanted me to take a picture with her daughter.

Trying to give an apple to a friend at Ward Party #1

Hey, I'll take anyone who's interested. Oh wait, he doesn't exactly look excited. :(